Truth

So I came to a startling realization after reading through the first three chapters of "Everyman's Battle" and the associated work book.

I do not value holiness.

I dont personally place value in being irreproachable in my conduct and thoughts.

It is not that I think it is a waist of time. It is not that I think God's standard is optional. I just have not ventured into the battle to claim my desires and intensions in God's name. I still "like" my sin. I want to obey God because my mind knows it's good; I want to continue in sin because my heart wants to. I obey (sometimes) because it is right; I sin (more than obey) because I want to. This is why when I am faced with the choice to stand and fight or give in, I chose to give in. This is why, even though I know His word-His standard, I willingly sin.

I am the worst of men. I despise the same sin in other men but cling to my wikedness still. I hope that the knowlege of this plank in my eye, which truly is newly discovered, is the beginning of something closer to Christ. Something holy. Something righteous. The end of my dual mindedness.

I am sorry if these words affend or hurt any of you. I don't mean anything but to tell the truth of who I am...no matter how ugly it may be. Now you know the truth.

LORD, have mercy on me and cleans me today of this plight, that I may walk in your ways, for they are perfect, just, holy, and righteous. Help me to see myself for who I really am and yet know that you have washed me clean. Make my soul to yearn after you as the deer does the water. Let my spirit rejoice to know your holiness; let it overtake me and change me LORD. I am undone. Lord, here am I.